Is he a 'Daddy'?

So this morning was a big moment for Blake... the moment when he was to see his 'Daddy'.  I must admit I was a little nervous, luckily however Blake was blissfully unaware as to who this strange man sitting on our sofa was.  I'm not sure why I was nervous ... I've no feelings towards his father at all (not even hate ... way past that stage), I think perhaps I was nervous on behalf of Blake.  Hoping that his father would see him and perhaps instantly fall in love with him?

So as he sat opposite me in my living room, barely able to look me in the eye I wondered what he was feeling at this moment in time.  Was he full of love and pride towards his son, was he nervous, worried, maybe even ashamed of himself, or was he feeling nothing? I find it hard to comprehend that someone could feel nothing towards their own son ... but he has a funny way of showing he cares :s

Blake was less than impressed at first, and sat on my lap scowling at his father ... can't say I blame him really.  But after 15 minutes or so he ventured off my lap and towards him with that beautiful smile on his little face.  Did it melt his father's heart? I wish I knew, he showed limited interest.  So after 45 minutes or so of trivial chat and awkward silences he made his excuses and left promising Blake more time on his next visit.  As I encouraged Blake to wave goodbye I paused...what the hell did I refer to him as?? Did I say to Blake "say goodbye to Daddy"??? That certainly didn't feel right ... a daddy is someone who loves you, who picks you off the floor when you fall over, who tucks you in at night and sings you nursery rhymes while you sit on his knee, someone who would without a doubt lay down on the floor and die for you if need be.  This man standing in my door way has never done any of those things for Blake and didn't really seem to want to.  So I chose to refer to him as nothing ... simply saying "wave goodbye Blake".

I don't know what I expected to be honest, I'm a realist at heart so I knew that the the situation wasn't going to be easy but I feel it could have gone better.  Just a simple "So how has he been?" would have probably made the situation a whole let better but there was nothing but masses of excuses on his behalf. All I want is for my little boy to have a daddy ....I could have given up months ago but i've not been able to.  I've not been able to let myself give up, for my baby's sake.  But I feel the time has come where I can't do much else, this is a step in the right direction I know.  At least his father is acknowledging Blake's existence now, however, I can't help feeling that this is never going to be enough.  A few awkward hours every few weeks is never really going to mean alot to Blake or his Father.  Perhaps I should just let this go now ....


Love love xx

The smile that melts my heart ... every single time I see it! :)

How Blake made me smile today: today he didn't have to do anything spectacularly amusing .... just a little smile from him has made me feel the luckiest Mummy in the world :D xx