Is he a 'Daddy'?

So this morning was a big moment for Blake... the moment when he was to see his 'Daddy'.  I must admit I was a little nervous, luckily however Blake was blissfully unaware as to who this strange man sitting on our sofa was.  I'm not sure why I was nervous ... I've no feelings towards his father at all (not even hate ... way past that stage), I think perhaps I was nervous on behalf of Blake.  Hoping that his father would see him and perhaps instantly fall in love with him?

So as he sat opposite me in my living room, barely able to look me in the eye I wondered what he was feeling at this moment in time.  Was he full of love and pride towards his son, was he nervous, worried, maybe even ashamed of himself, or was he feeling nothing? I find it hard to comprehend that someone could feel nothing towards their own son ... but he has a funny way of showing he cares :s

Blake was less than impressed at first, and sat on my lap scowling at his father ... can't say I blame him really.  But after 15 minutes or so he ventured off my lap and towards him with that beautiful smile on his little face.  Did it melt his father's heart? I wish I knew, he showed limited interest.  So after 45 minutes or so of trivial chat and awkward silences he made his excuses and left promising Blake more time on his next visit.  As I encouraged Blake to wave goodbye I paused...what the hell did I refer to him as?? Did I say to Blake "say goodbye to Daddy"??? That certainly didn't feel right ... a daddy is someone who loves you, who picks you off the floor when you fall over, who tucks you in at night and sings you nursery rhymes while you sit on his knee, someone who would without a doubt lay down on the floor and die for you if need be.  This man standing in my door way has never done any of those things for Blake and didn't really seem to want to.  So I chose to refer to him as nothing ... simply saying "wave goodbye Blake".

I don't know what I expected to be honest, I'm a realist at heart so I knew that the the situation wasn't going to be easy but I feel it could have gone better.  Just a simple "So how has he been?" would have probably made the situation a whole let better but there was nothing but masses of excuses on his behalf. All I want is for my little boy to have a daddy ....I could have given up months ago but i've not been able to.  I've not been able to let myself give up, for my baby's sake.  But I feel the time has come where I can't do much else, this is a step in the right direction I know.  At least his father is acknowledging Blake's existence now, however, I can't help feeling that this is never going to be enough.  A few awkward hours every few weeks is never really going to mean alot to Blake or his Father.  Perhaps I should just let this go now ....


Love love xx

The smile that melts my heart ... every single time I see it! :)

How Blake made me smile today: today he didn't have to do anything spectacularly amusing .... just a little smile from him has made me feel the luckiest Mummy in the world :D xx

The phenomenon that is Facebook ...

Now i'm not going to deny the fact that facebook is some what a guilty pleasure of mine.  I quite enjoy it as a form of keeping in touch with old friends, showing all my chums how beautiful my son is and a way of having a pretty good nosey into people's lives from a safe distance.  But despite this, it also irritates the hell out of me sometimes!! Anywho as we all know I love a list, so I thought i'd share with the world my pet hates on facebook (or any other social networking sites ...in the name of fairness :P)

1. Making a really dramatic facebook status but not telling anyone what it's about e.g. 
 - fb user 1- "oh my god I can't believe this has happened ... this is the worst day of my life. seriously ... this is fucking awful!" 
- fb user 2- oh no what's up????
-fb user 1- Oh nothing ... I can't talk about it on here.
Well why make it into a bloody facebook update for the whole of your friend list to see ... frigging irritating!! Attention seeking at it's best!

2.Being deleted from facebook as an act of vengence.
Im afraid that deleting me from facebook does not mean that you have deleted me from life ... I still exist.  Gutted eh? Also grow up and tell me what your problem is!?

3.Status updates every 5 minutes from the same person.
Seriously ... no one cares

4. The need to proclaim your undying love for your other half in EVERY SINGLE status, even if the rest of your status is totally unrelated.
Yes we know that you love you boo, your bub, your babe, your boy, your girl, your looover.  We gathered that the first one hundred times you included it in your facebook status. 

5.Photos where by you and your significant other are practically eating each others faces off. 
I appreciate a lovey dovey shot as much as the next person but full on passionate kissing is NOT for facebook.  I think there are separate sites where you can post those kind of pictures and also look up the local dogging hotspots. 


6. The use of 'dis', 'dat' and other such tripe.
These are NOT words ... get off facebook and go back to school. (This is especially sad if your approaching 40 and really should no better ... no your kids don't think your cool, infact they just blocked you!)


7. The "I hate myself and I want to die" status.
Perhaps one of THE most annoying things on facebook.  Suicide is no laughing matter ...and the story of the boy who cried wolf never ended well!

8. Farmville 
FUCK OFF ... nuff said :P


9. People uploading horrifying drunken photos of me!
Come on now ... a little common decency doesn't go a miss. Do unto others as you would have done to you and all that jazz. 

10. People moaning when the format of facebook changes.
It really is not the end of the world ... within a week you will have forgotten what the old one was like.  If you find it that complicated then I think your best going back to using the good old Royal Mail. 


So, that was in no particular order, they are all probably equally irritating.  And yes I'm well aware that no one makes me go on facebook blah blah blah...but if we are honest with ourselves we all enjoy a bloody good moan now and again and facebook provides an excellent outlet for this! I think however people need to take it a little less seriously ... and remember that facebook is not just about bitching and finding someone to cheat on your boyfriend with.  It can actually be a good way to share information, raise awareness and provide support for one another. Oh I remember the good old days when it was just a student thing, how I miss those days.  Anyway, RANT OVER.  Happy facebooking :P

Love love xxx

How Blake made me smile today: By running backwards and forwards in the leaves on the way through the park.  Hense it taking me about 45 minutes instead of the usual 15 to get home from town.  Who knew leaves could be so amusing :P x xxx